You Can’t Love Without This…

What does it mean to be vulnerable? In the words of my therapist, it means to be brave in love. To choose love even when the future is clouded with uncertainty. To take the risk of love rather than be so afraid of it, you choose to run from it.

I take pride in being vulnerable, because it’s allowed me to fully love with an open heart. No matter what murky waters lay ahead, I truly believed that it would all be worth the dive. When you come to a crossroads in life there’s always the 50/50 chance that you could be taking the wrong route, but there’s just as much chance to take the best route of your life. It might be because I’m a Pisces, or just a romanticist, but I tend to have the “love conquers all” fantasy. I have a love hate relationship with that mindset, but I’ll save that for another post.

What happens when being vulnerable leads you to your first real heart break? How do you become vulnerable again.

It takes more vulnerability than the first time to open yourself up for a second time. Or maybe even a third or fourth. But HOW? I hate that I have to reopen myself again if I want to ever be loved the way that I deserve to be loved. But right now that seems so impossible. I give major props to those that dive head first into relationships even after experiencing hurt from a previous lover. It takes a special soul to be able to give it all they’ve got time and time again.

I had the one thing that made me the most lovable taken from me – my vulnerability – and I don’t know how long it will take before I get the courage to be rebuild it again. I say this made me the most lovable because according to Brene Brown (see video below), our fear (lack of vulnerability) inhibits us from creating connection. I gave away the purest form of my vulnerability to my first love, whereas anyone after will only get the reprogrammed version. And I hate that the person who broke my vulnerability still has his in tact because he never fully gave me his.

I guess that’s the risk of being vulnerable – the risk of giving it all and not getting it all back. Someone who is too scared to be vulnerable is someone who is too scared to accept love. That is the opposite of brave. And I hope that I never become that.

“Love with our whole hearts, even if there’s no guarantee” – Brené Brown

“….Willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were. Which you have to absolutely do that for connection”. -Brené Brown