05.29.18

You ever just felt your heart racing and you don’t know why? Are you having a panic attack? Are you excited? Why is my adrenaline spiking?

Why can’t I figure out this foreign feeling? It almost feels familiar, the experience on the tip of my tongue.

Warmth slithers over my shoulders, face flushed, mind racing.

What is it?

Going through life in a hazy daze. Getting used to numbing experiences and emotions. It’s like I felt the exact moment that I felt genuine contentedness creep in. Anxieties, worries, fears, doubt, confusion. Gone.

I’ve mentioned before how I sometimes feel like I’m watching a parallel universe version of myself drifting farther and farther away from the old universe I used to be in. I see both versions stretch on. I’m living one while watching another disappear.

Now I feel like my feet are firmly planted in the present. This foreign feeling….

It’s not that I haven’t felt happiness at all in the last year. But I forgot what it felt like to feel happiness without that burden of guilt, shame, grief.

Living in the past, holding onto the past. Holding a grudge against the past. Only prevents you from enjoying the future.

It’s more than letting go of you. Of us. It’s letting go of her.

Forgiving the person I used to be. Being proud of the person I am now.

This foreign feeling; letting go.

 

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