I’m hesitant to write this post because I don’t want to be labelled as a “crazy ex”. But that’s kinda how I’ve felt since the break up… And no matter how much I tell myself to be the ex that just walks away and doesn’t show emotion or doesn’t fight for the relationship, I’m just not that girl at this stage in my life.
I’m not the crazy ex that slashes tires, eggs his home, shows up unexpectedly at his house or calls his phone from unknown numbers at all hours of the night. I’m nothing like that. But love truly, honestly makes you do some crazy shit. I would do things that were absurd and KNOW that it was absurd, but couldn’t stop myself from doing it anyway. Call it lack of self control, call it immature or just call it plain crazy.
The extent of my craziness was the uncontrollable crying and the constant (novel) texting with a ton dramatics….. I’m really, really, really, not proud of how I acted in a lot of situations throughout the break up, but I feel SO deeply. When my heart is hurting, my whole body just feels on fire. My mind swirls and shouts with a million negative things that just eggs on my emotions which in turn eggs on my actions. I wish someone could feel the way I feel my emotions, because it’s strong and it’s a lot of pain for me to handle at times (I partially blame the fact that both my Sun & Moon sign are in Pisces…).
All logic is basically thrown out the window. When my logic mind finally enters back into my body I just feel shame and guilt wash over me. I can look into the mirror and be so confused at who I am. I know that crazy, irrational person that overcomes me isn’t me, but it is and I have to accept responsibility for that part of me.
I guess the reason why I’m writing this post, is because I want to forgive myself. I want to stop hating those parts of me. Instead of trying to disassociate myself from that person, I want to take full responsibility and change, not just ignore those parts.
I’m only 23 (almost 24!) years old. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend. I’ve only ever had one heart break. It’s not like this is a pattern of behavior I’ve done in the past. I’m growing up and I’m learning. I’m seeing the worst parts of me and I’m genuinely working on changing those parts to be something I like and am proud of. I’m growing up into a person that I want to be through hard work and through patience and time, because naturally, I will not react or be the same person that I am now in a few years down the road and especially not in 10-15-20 years.
Sometimes the hardest part about moving on from a relationship, is looking back and wishing you could take back all those crazy moments of anger and frustration, and hurt and pain. Wishing that I could know then what I know now and maybe that bridge wouldn’t have burned down so badly.
But regardless, that’s not how things played out. That bridge continues to burn even 6 months after the break up. I just want to recognize who I am now is not who I’ll always be. And instead of constantly beating myself up over being such an irrational, Pisces, just accept that, that’s who I was in that period of my life (and that girl isn’t completely gone yet, but I’m working on it).
Life is one big lesson and yada, yada, yada, but in all seriousness, I’m young and I think it’s kinda normal to be irrational and crazy after your first heart break (not saying everyone goes down that road, but lots of people do…. I think….). I think what really matters is how you grow from those situations. Some people don’t grow and it becomes a part of who they are. But I want to grow from being that person and work on being the kind of person I want to be. I regret 100% burning that bridge between me and my ex, because of course I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than as a stranger, but unfortunately that’s the road that we’ve ended up on. And that’s partially because of my behavior and also because of his. I think we both haven’t handled each others emotions and feelings accurately because we both have a lot of growing up to do, and call me crazy, but my heart truly believes that when we do, a friendship could potentially be a possibility.
But until then, I forgive myself for being young and learning. And I also forgive my ex. I’m sure we’ll both look back on these years one day and think how silly we acted, but know that it was because we both really cared about one another. We (probably mainly just me) didn’t know how to handle the emotions, the hurt and the loss. But I’m learning now, and I’m optimistic for a better me and maybe even a friendship someday down the road.
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