How Long?

I’ve been struggling more the last week than I have in the last month with accepting that I’ve lost my best friend. It’s one thing to grieve the relationship you shared with an ex, but what about when your ex was your best friend pre-dating?

I’ve been spending more and more time with new friends and old ones and each time I’m so thankful to have such great friends in my life that remind what it’s like to be the fun me, but it also reminds me that my best friend is no longer around to share any of those moments with me.

How long?

I ask myself this question almost everyday. How long until I’m no longer sad? How long until I find someone else that shows me what we had wasn’t really as special as I imagine? How long until I’m genuinely happy every day and don’t have to be scared of being sad? How long until I don’t care anymore? How long until I stop believing that we will end up in each other’s lives again?

The worst part of asking myself these questions is that I know he has already moved on from all those feelings. It makes me mad that it’s taking me so much longer, it makes me mad that it took him so much shorter. There’s still so much I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone to becoming nothing but strangers and memories. I don’t understand why he doesn’t miss me as much as I still miss him. I don’t understand why I used to complete everything on his check list for a partner and now I’m missing all the pieces.

I KNOW that I have to be okay with not understanding, but it’s just not that easy. I know I might sound like a broken record sometimes, but I feel like a broken record. I can’t get over the feeling of having my heart broken by my best friend, and it’s not from lack of trying.

I just wish I knew how long…

 

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