The last 5 days have been an emotional roller coaster (I blame energy coming from the upcoming Super Blue Blood Moon). And I’m now in this weird state where I’m not happy, but I’m not really sad. Like I’m a perfect balance in between and any small thing could make it tip one way or the other. It’s almost a feeling of discomfort in a way. It’s the come down from going through one of my depressive episodes over the last 5 days.
The most frustrating feeling in the world is to know that I want to stop being sad and I want to stop crying over the same thing, but some days (or weeks) it’s hard for me to move past all those feelings of hurt and confusion. I do still struggle with feelings of self worth and regret, confusion, hurt, grief, abandonment… etc.
One of my best friends said something to me last week that pushed me to rethink what I write in my blogs. I had been telling her that I felt like a fraud when I had to reach out and ask for advice from her. I felt like I wasn’t following my own advice that I’m trying to get other people to take. How could I be such a hot mess, but so motivational and inspirational on my blog. And she told me that I shouldn’t feel like a fraud. She said that my “blog, those strong words, the awesome advice or the lending ear” I give to her were all still me. And then she told me that I could show a more vulnerable side to me on my blog if I wanted. That really surprised me when she said that because at first I thought, “More vulnerable???? Aren’t I already being vulnerable as f**k?”. Then I realized that pretty much each post talks about a struggle I experienced, but how I over came it.
The truth is I haven’t really overcome those struggles. I think I’m just learning how to deal with the struggles and learning to live with them so that they make me a better person in the end. So that I only have to go through some of these struggles once and not make the same mistakes. But I’m not done feeling the emotional turbulence that comes along with heartbreak, change, and learning self-love. Those feelings still exist and I try to apply all that I’m learning to help me get over those feelings quicker and faster each time that I do feel them. I’ve noticed that I definitely am able to bounce back faster and stronger after each “relapse”. And I’m so proud of the hard work I’ve put into accepting myself and accepting unfortunate and uncontrollable events, but in case you haven’t noticed from some of my other posts, I’m hard on myself.
I get angry when I do have a relapse because I’ve thought that I’ve “overcome” those feelings and I get mad that I let them come back in. I get embarrassed for being so weak when I’ve been portraying myself as so strong. And then I get mad at my ex for even making me go through all this in the first place and I start to spiral into never ending negative thoughts. And that’s the hardest thing to nip in the bud when you deal with depression and anxiety. It’s not easy to just stop those thoughts from consuming you, and when they do, they can make camp for days.
The best way I can think to describe my experiences and journey is like this; in the beginning of the break up I felt like I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I didn’t for a veryyyyy long couple of months (4 to be exact). Then in the last 2 months I finally started to see a tinyyyy sliver of light, but sometimes there’s a curve in the tunnel, blocking the light out for a while. But as soon as I get past that curve, the end is in sight again, brighter and closer each time.
So to all those that read my blog, know that I’m still reeling from a lot of pain and hurt. Some of you might think it shouldn’t be this hard for someone to just move on from someone who clearly doesn’t even deserve to be in their life at this point – but everyone goes through their own healing process, and every relationship is different. Some wounds are a lot harder to stitch up, and some will leave a permanent scar while others will heal and not leave a single trace behind.
I don’t have any real purpose to this post. No big lesson to be learned, not a confidence booster. Just a raw post to let people know that I’m still struggling. I still need a shoulder to cry on and I still cry at night sometimes. I’ve been building a pretty tough exterior, but I still have an extremely fragile interior. The best I can do is take one day at a time, the good ones and the bad ones. Learn and become a better person so that one day I will be where I’m supposed to be and look back and think “it all happened for a reason”.