As I reflect on our relationship and our break up, I realize I wasn’t just sad that I had gotten dumped. I see now that I was also sad that I don’t know who you are anymore.
I used to tell you to be the man that you wanted to be. And when you did that, I saw you become one of the sweetest, most caring, generous men. And I know you are naturally an independent man, so I know how you struggled sometimes with wanting to be selfish, but I saw you push that aside to become selfless – for me. And I know that I may have taken those times for granted because I focused on how hard it was for you to be selfless. I was mad that it didn’t just come easy to you like it did for me. But I wish I would have instead focused on how you tried.
I was addicted to the feeling of being loved and being put as number 1. And yes, I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have to struggle with doing that, but I also shouldn’t have put SO much pressure on you. I’m not going to beat myself up over it because it’s a two way street and I know we both could have done a million things better.
But I guess what I want to say is that it hurts to see that you gave up on trying to be that man. I know you’re young and trying to just live up your last year of college with “no regrets”, but it sucks to see that becoming who you are now is who you would rather be.
I know I’m a little older so I can’t blame you for not being able to see outside the snow globe that is college, but it hurts to see that you chose to throw away every thing that we had – and everything that we envisioned – to become this person so capable of hurting someone you loved. Someone who was your best friend.
And the only reason I can see how big of a mistake it is to choose the college life over something more meaningful is because I’ve already experienced college. So I know I can’t make you see something that I myself wouldn’t have been able to see at your age either. But I know that, that world isn’t worth it because when I look back on my college experience, I loved it, but I wouldn’t go back to do it again.
I cringe thinking back at who I was those 3 years (I say 3 because I think my senior year I already started to slowly grow up). I was the definition of a party girl. I would drink on nights everyone stayed in, I would drink wayyyyy past my limits (because I had no limits), I would determine the success of my night based on if I got any attention from boys. My values and outlook on life were messed up, but I thought I had it all figured out and thought that I was a “cool” girl for being such a party girl.
I know you might say that you didn’t get to experience the “party boy” stage because we dated during your sophomore and junior year so you “needed” this year to live it up. But that’s what makes me want to shake you and make you understand that it’s not worth it compared to what lies ahead. I’m not saying that a relationship is necessarily what matters most, but I don’t think it was worth it to throw it all away just for that 1 year of college.
I don’t want to sound like I hate you or think your an idiot for choosing to make the mistake for yourself (even though you are) because I know that everyone has to learn things on their own and in their own ways, but I wish that you could understand.
I didn’t want to write Pt. 2 in fear of sounding like I’m still miserable being out of a relationship with you – because I’m not. I’ve truly been the happiest I’ve been since the breakup and maybe even before. I love all my new passions and hobbies and I LOVE being able to help other people see the silver lining in shitty situations, because I know how hard it was to see that things would get better. I knew how hard it was to pick yourself up when you literally didn’t think you’d ever feel happy again. I knew how hard it was not to believe all the tricks your mind tries to play on you. I still get those tantalizing thoughts that try to drag me back to that dark place, but I guess you could say I’ve developed a pretty mean Expecto Patronum charm – and you won’t even get that reference because you never watched Harry Potter with me (even though I attempted Star Wars).
It makes me sad to see you turn into someone completely different, but I know you have to figure it out for yourself. Maybe it takes becoming someone you really don’t want to be to figure out who you do want to be. Like I did. Or maybe, this is just who you really want to be. Just remember, you attract what you are.
Goodbye to the boy I loved.