Why is it that most days I can feel empowered and confident about moving on and finding my happiness and worth?
But once in while I get swept under a tidal wave without a warning. I find myself crying in bed wishing you were here to hold me. Why does it hurt me so much more than it hurts you? How is it so easy to forget that we were best friends who fell in love for a reason?
Why do I have to be the one to carry all this pain and hurt when you were just as much a part of the relationship as I was?
I hate that on these nights I still want to call you and just be held. I want to run to my safe place that doesn’t exist anymore. Because you’re the tidal wave that’s caused all this damage.
I hate feeling weak and guilty for still caring for you. I hate feeling like I’m failing when I struggle to keep all the regrets and unanswered questions at bay.
It breaks my heart that the only way I get the tears to stop flowing and my heart to stop yearning, is by reminding myself that you don’t love me anymore. I have to repeat to myself that you don’t care for me anymore in order to remind myself I need to keep going.
It’s hard on these nights not to succumb to the darkness. It seems so alluring to let my heart drown in the leftover pieces. But I push myself to move on from you the way you so easily did from me. And even on nights like this, I have to keep going. Because somewhere there’s a finish line waiting. Where I’ll be greeted and embraced by love, happiness and success. And maybe even the real love of my life. But I’ll never cross that finish line if I don’t pick myself back up and keep moving forward.