A Letter to my Ex.

I guess the first thing I want to say is, thank you.

Everyone has heard that saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. I always thought that saying was a bunch of bullshit, but I think I understand it now. A broken heart means you were loved. I have you to thank for showing me what it was like to be in love and to be loved for the first time. I also have you to thank for pushing me to become the person that I’m becoming now. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that some days I wish I could take it all back just so I wouldn’t know what a broken heart felt like.

The second thing I want to say is, your loss.

It feels good to know that I am becoming exactly who I’ve always wanted to be, and someday someone else will be the one to love all the things about me that you decided to stop loving. You may have helped speed up the process of me becoming who I am now, but I think this is who I always would have turned out to be. At first I drowned in self pity feeling like I wasn’t good enough (and some days those thoughts still creep back in), but now I know that’s not really true. Maybe I was just too good for you. You’re the one giving up on someone that never gave up on you. You’re the one choosing to push away your biggest cheerleader and best friend. You’re the one who’s choosing to push out love. You’re taking a much bigger loss than I am.

I’m still not really over you. But I’m so into myself now (and apparently super narcissistic) that I don’t have enough heart to love you and myself. It’s just for me now. My heart belongs to no one but me. I’m the only one that can treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. I can’t break my own heart because I am my only soul mate. I was the one there for myself every night I spent crying. I was the one there to pick myself up when I didn’t think I could get up in the morning (and sometimes I didn’t get up – because who’s going to judge me? Not me). I’ve continued to try and give you small pieces of my heart even though you kept throwing them away. I wanted so badly to remain friends. How are you so okay with just walking away from someone that supposedly meant so much? I try not to plague my mind with these questions that I will never get answers to.

Did you know love literally affects your brain very similarly to the way cocaine effects it. I pretty much had to suffer the withdrawal stage like a cocaine addict would. I had been on a constant euphoric high for 2 years straight. That’s one hell of a comedown. People get addicted to chasing that high. Hence people who hop from relationship to relationship (and drug users I guess). I can see how it’s addicting. I’ve also learned that it’s natural to come down from that euphoric high after about 2 years into a relationship, that’s when real love starts to kick in. That euphoric phase is what gives you rose colored glasses. Everything about the other person is “perfect”. But once the euphoria is gone, so are the glasses. That’s when you love someone for their real, raw, imperfect self, and I guess we didn’t pass that test.

I’m not bitter. I don’t hate you. I’m not angry and I don’t regret giving you my whole heart.. anymore. I still love you without a doubt, and here comes a cliché saying, but I’m not IN love with you anymore. I mean it’s kind of obvious, but how could I be IN love with someone who isn’t in love with me? I say that like it’s so obvious to realize, but it took me a long time to realize that. You aren’t the same person that I was in love with.

Do I wish that we had never broken up? Do I still hold on to the tiny piece of my heart that says “but maybe one day…”? I’m no Miley (well… Cyrus), and you’re definitely no Liam Hemsworth (no offense), but if they can do it……

The hardest part about breaking up was losing my best friend and losing the future I was ready to start working towards. Now I’m learning how to be my own best friend and trying to figure out a new future. I’m becoming a stronger me, and I’m sorry you’re missing out. It feels good to know that one day you’ll look back and realize you ruined one of the best things that ever happened to you.

Even though I won’t be running around looking for love again anytime soon, I can’t wait to apply everything I’ve learned from you in my next relationship, but for now I’m in the best relationship of my life, with myself!

~ Mai

P.S. The stupidest thing I ever did with you was get a tattoo to signify that we would be just as permanent as the ink. Now I’ve got a physical scar to remind myself every day of how stupid I was for thinking you meant it when you said you’d never hurt me. As if the scar on my heart wasn’t enough of a reminder….

P.S.S. I guess I’m still a little bitter after all. Sorry I’m human.

 

 

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1 Comment

  1. Mai, In the tough moments, picture me cheering you on. Be a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Glad the list at my blog helped you, I know it was a beacon in the dark back when I needed it, too! Turn all that energy toward loving, understanding, and supporting YOU now. Don’t be a stranger. Hugs! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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