Welcome wandering soul! I hope you have found my blog when you need it most in your life. Similar to how this blog has started for me. At 23 years young, the world is ours, but how do you harness that power to your advantage? Because at the moment it feels like the world is weighing heavy on my shoulders. Weighing me down, crushing me, making me question my purpose and my goals in life. How do I turn that feeling around so that I’m on top of the world, not the world on top of me? Well I don’t have the answer to that… yet.
If you’re hoping to read to the end of this post thinking there will be an answer at the bottom, well that would be too easy and you should probably stop reading here if that’s what you’re looking for. I’m working out this life right alongside you. I want to share how I got here. I want to share my pain, my tears, my heart break. I want to share my anger at the universe, and I want to bury all the questions I have in my heart that will never get answers. Most importantly I want to figure out where I’m headed.
I’m hoping someone will find their wandering soul at my blog, and find comfort and peace of mind in my posts. I want to create something that I wish I would have found while my soul was curious and wandering (and it still is). I searched and searched all over the internet and in every friend and family member (and in every pet), for the answers to life and heart break. I wanted to find something that would heal the bruises and cuts for me. I never found anything. I found things to numb the pain, to blur out my problems for a night or two, but I never found anything to really stitch me up. I guess I’m finally understanding that you can’t look for someone or something else to heal those wounds. You have to be the one to do it for yourself. So this is the beginning of my process to stitch myself back up. And even though you have to be the one to stitch YOURSELF back up, I hope that I can at least be a guide to help you get to that point. And you may not need healing from a heart break. It could be from graduating school and feeling lost (because I’m healing from that alongside a broken heart), it could be from losing a best friend, a family member. Maybe you haven’t even lost anything or anyone, but you just feel lonely and broken. Not fully sure of who you are or who you will be. Scared that something is wrong with you because you have these feelings and you’re not even really sure why. Well I will be the first to say, THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. with feeling this way. You don’t need a reason to feel lost. Life is scary. It’s lonely. It’s confusing, hard, unpredictable. And I’m not saying it’s never fun, or that I have felt this way since I was born and have been living a miserable life. I’ve had the best memories and experiences growing up, but this phase is harder than the rest and it’s a reality check that I wasn’t prepared for.
I’ve been feeling like a contained box brimming with emotions, feelings, darkness, and confusion. I’ve been bottling this all in, in fear of showing people that I’m spiraling downward on the inside. At our age, its supposed to be ok to not have your life figured out, we’re young and having fun still, but maybe that’s just an excuse for some people to put off the inevitable, figuring out your life. And I think some people do end up living an incredible life by just “going with the flow”. But I think it’s okay to also want to figure out your next steps before taking them. The more I’ve held on to these out-of-control feelings, the more I’ve felt like there’s something wrong with me. The harder it is for me to put a smile on each day I walk into the office, and pretend that life will never be as good as it is now. That’s why I’m here now. I know I can’t be alone in this wacky phase of life. Some might call it the quarter life crisis (and we have the haters who think life is too perfect at this age to experience this – and because of these people, this is why I began to drown in my own thoughts – what is wrong with me? I’m too young to be feeling this way. But I am and can feel any way without having to feel ashamed). This blog could be for no one but me and that’s really all I need it for, but if someone else ends up here, hi, I hope you can relate in some way and figure this out together. I’m ready to open the Pandora’s Box.